I am not a psycho parent, I swear I am not. However, if you would have heard me leaving the store with my kids this weekend, you might have thought I was off my rocker. I am sure most people thought this by the "looks" I was getting. Really though, it is not like the trip starts out that way. Oh no, I am like Mary Friggin' Poppins over here with birds chirping around me and bunnies following my path. But by the end of the shopping trip, I am spitting pea soup! Let me explain why.
Chronological Order of Things I Said On My Last Shopping Trip
OK kids, we are here. Remember to hold my hand when we get out.
Bella baby, please don't run off. We are in a crowded parking lot, you have to hold my hand.
OK, you can get the cart.
Be careful where you are going, you just hit that lady with the cart. Apologize to her, please.
You have to stay where I can see you honey, I do not want you getting lost.
Zach, get out of the shelves.
Bella, please watch where you are going. You almost ran into that lady.
I might buy you something, IF you behave in the store.
Stop fighting you two.
Bella you stay on this side of the cart, away from your brother, and Zach you stay on this side.
Zach, I said get out of the shelves. If Walmart security sees you, we will be banned from the store.
Bella, I said watch where you are going. You almost knocked over that entire shelf! If you break anything, I will have to pay for it.
Zach and Bella, get from under the shelf NOW!
Do you really think you deserve a toy?
If you two don't stop fighting, you will be grounded FOREVER!
Zach, the wrapping paper tube is not a sword. Be careful, you are going to hit someone.
NO, you can't have anything!
ZACH, STOP HITTING YOUR SISTER WITH THE WRAPPING PAPER TUBE! Put it in the cart.
Oh, you are starving?!?! After you wouldn't eat your lunch?!?! Maybe you will listen to me next time.
ZACH, I said put the wrapping paper tube in the cart! Apologize to the man.
BELLAAAAA! BELLAAAAA! WHERE ARE YOU?!
BELLA! Come here!! I didn't know where you were!! You have to pay attention! Now put your hand on the cart and don't let go!
NO, You don't deserve anything! Now both of you, go sit on that bench while I check out!
Stop fighting!!!! Sit on opposite sides of the bench!
I don't care if he keeps looking at you! Just don't look at him! Zach stop instigating.
JUST SIT THERE AND CLOSE YOUR EYES, THEN YOU WON'T SEE HIM LOOKING AT YOU! I am almost done.
GET UP! Zach you walk on this side of the cart, WITH YOUR HAND ON IT AT ALL TIMES! And Bella you walk on this side, WITH YOUR HAND ON IT AT ALL TIMES!
Why am I acting this way? Do you really have to ask WHY?!
GET IN THE CAR!
So the next time you see a crazy lady exiting a store with kids in tow, you will understand why.