55+ Hilarious FOUR CHRISTMASES Movie Quotes

Four Christmases is the most underrated Christmas movie, but it will always be a classic in my home. It stars Vince Vaughn, Reese Witherspoon, Robert Duvall, Mary Steenburgen, Jon Voight, Tim McGraw, Jon Favreau, Sissy Spacek, Kristin Chenoweth, Dwight Yoakam, and Katy Mixon. I will have a movie review of the film coming soon, so make sure to stop back by to check it out. It will be linked below. In the meantime, I wanted to share a list of some of the best quotes from the movie. Check out these 55+ of the most hilarious Four Christmases movie quotes.

If you enjoyed these Four Christmases movie quotes, check out these other articles: Family Switch movie quotes, Dashing Through the Snow movie quotes, Netflix’s A Nearly Normal Family quotes, The Naughty Nine movie quotes, Netflix’s Leo movie quotes.

Four Christmases Parents Guide Movie Review

Four Christmases Movie Quotes

I like flowers. Smelling them and all of that, or sending them to people and stuff. It’s good.

I’m gonna stop you right there, because on paper, you’ve done everything right. You took an interest in my personal history. You complimented my accessories. Blah, blah, blah.

I want a man whose hand doesn’t shake when he puts it up my shirt.

I started to feel an old, Great Plains vibe. Like he was an angry cowboy who drives a van. But also has Ninja equipment at his apartment. He had a lot happening. Like a Transformer.

We just want to be together because we enjoy it, not because we have to.

You lie to your family’s at Christmastime?
Well, you really can’t spell “families” without “lies.”

I’m sorry, sir. I don’t make the fog; I deal with it.

And then we take the trips. Take a different trip.
What he’s trying to say is we plan a trip every year, and this is ruining our Christmas.

My dad’s a unique, specific animal. Your mother’s not.

The TV stars actually came.

My given name is Orlando, but I changed it to Brad. I’m Brad.

Spray cheese from the famous family of aerosol cheeses.
You got something to say about my wife’s cheese?

Bring it home, soldier boy. Bring it home.

My childhood was just like The Shawshank Redemption, except I didn’t have some kind, older, soft-spoken, gentle black man to share my struggle with.

Do you understand? I’m a grown man with hair on my chest. There is going to be certain boundaries that exist between us now.

Google me, b*tch.
What?
Google me. You might want to look me up sometime, Barbara.

A flashlight? That’s it? Why don’t you love me, Daddy?

When he gets to hurting inside and can’t use his emotion words, he takes to streaking. Don’t worry. He always comes back.

If you think I’m going to allow a sex predator in a uniform to wander around my house and touch my underwear, you got another thing coming.

Take it before it explodes.

Your grandmother’s boyfriend is a first class ass sniffer, and you can tell him that I said so.

I don’t want to speak ill of your mother on Christmas, but she’s nothing but a common street whore.

Mistletoe. Mistletoe.

Call me Marilyn and get over here and give me a hug, you big, fat, purple teddy bear.

She didn’t tell you about Cootie Kate.

Pastor Phil has encouraged us to dispense with the commercial trappings of the holiday. So what I had in mind is that we would go around the room, and each of us would speak to the spiritual gifts that we might give. A verbal gift-giving of sorts.

I could increase the frequency with which I pleasure Milt with my hand and with my mouth.

Take it away from me. I’m sorry. I love you. I can’t breathe. I’m going to do it too!

Kind of feel like a Saudi prince in here.

Come and get it, old lady.

I came here for a marker, and I’m not leaving without one.

That marker in your mouth—I peed on it.

Do not throw rocks when you live in a house of Jello.

My wife is pregnant, but it’s not my child. Do you think I’m cool with it because God’s the one that got her pregnant?

Find your truth. I want to blow the roof off this b*tch.

This child is a blessing to the both of us.

He breastfed til he was five. I thought I was going to have to take you to college. The only one who was on my tits more was a professor that I dated after his father.

I never had a sexual thought about your mom until I was 30.

I don’t have an attitude; I’ve shut down. She buzzes me, I’m trying to explain how to play the game. You obviously don’t understand the best ways to play the game. And I’m shutting down.

If there’s one thing we’ve learned by being forced to be around our families today, it’s about the dangers of procreating. All right?

I want to be in a relationship that goes where it needs to go.

I’m the one changing the rules, and if you don’t want to change them with me, I understand. I just can’t do this anymore.

I’ve had a lot of experience bending the truth to avoid my family. And I tell you, honey, I would give anything to have that time back again.

There’s nothing more important than family.

What the hell do you want? Did you forget your tampons?

It’s always the one you fight with most is the most like you.

I’m talking about kids. If you leave one by itself at home, you’ll never leave because you’re gonna feel guilty about it being by itself. But if there’s two, you don’t feel bad because they got someone to play with.

The other big thing to think about is school. Do you send them to private school? Then you got sweater vests and lacrosse coming atcha all day. But if you go to public school, then you got to worry about some art student who’s hyperactive, all hopped up on medications, who might try to shank the little guy, and that’s uncomfortable too.

We’re open to letting it grow. That doesn’t mean kids.

It got me. I got some in my mouth! I can’t be around it; I’m going to do it too!